Has Taeyong outgrown his idol life?

At 27 and already an accomplished singer, composer and choreographer, has Taeyong outgrown being an idol attached to an agency which controls his every move?

Taeyong has had a rather tumultuous last two years. After two hiatuses due to recurring injuries pulled him out of performing, and a new lease on life offered via his Soundcloud project, Taeyong appears to be reflecting on his next steps. His recent lives which included one in Japan and one on his birthday, disclosed some eye opening facts about his recent experiences. Taeyong’s Instagram live from 24 June 2022, gave us an insight into his current thoughts just after their Japan concerts and prospective Singapore concert. He seemed pensive, and frequently referred to the group’s activities. In fact, he frequently mentioned how he wanted to appreciate this special time with his members;

‘I’m having a good time, I can talk more with the members, and have more honest conversations.”

It appears as though all the members opened up to each other during this tour to discuss their concerns and possibly their ambitions in a frank way.

“We talked about the direction of our team, and our plan for the future…and we paid more attention to things.”

Taeyong appeared to struggle for a moment deeply breathing and coughing, something he does when he wants to express himself honestly, and is somehow struggling.

“I think we depend more on each other; this time is really precious to us I think. We are living and making all of it into memories.. all of us together. One way or another, all of us together, feel like we’re living in a memory”.

This frequent reference to ‘living in a memory’ is somewhat peculiar. The entire monologue felt like he was trying to forewarn fans of a future that perhaps is uncertain. Soon after the Tokyo Dome concert, the one where Taeyong broke down in tears questioning himself as a leader, all of 127 posted a shot of their hands together in a pile - a display of solidarity with each other, and more importantly, with Taeyong their leader. Something definitely shifted in Japan between the members and their relationship with each other and with the company. Could this show of solidarity be in defiance of those that gave Taeyong harsh words and scolded him for his leadership?

Taeyong also looked a little nervous before admitting the following;

“Actually I had a lot of things prepared for this year, but they were pushed back or didn’t work out. I don’t know if it’s because of that, but I felt I lost my strength a bit. But, I thought about the things that happened, and trying to focus on the things I have right now, it has become a lot better. And just you giving me your support, gives me so much strength and I feel great”.

What were these plans that were pushed back or didn’t work out? There are several possibilities. His solo Youtube performance project for his song ‘Ghost’ was released without warning and quite unexpectedly on June 2nd 2022. Ghost is a sophisticated piece of art highlighting Taeyong’s maturing musical lyricism and style, artistic direction and choreography. In the behind the scenes video, he appeared nervous and was keen for fans to accept his work as an ‘art film’. Clearly, a great deal of preparation and work went into making Ghost a reality. Taeyong mentioned he’d been working on if for half a year putting its origins around August 2021, right around the time of the Sticker promotions. That meant he would’ve been incredibly busy working on the group projects and planning his own. Taeyong’s Youtube was opened in March 2022, and his promo short included images from the Ghost behind the scenes putting its filming around February 2022. However, Ghost was not released until June. Could the Ghost project be the thing that was pushed back?

In April, Taeyong’s Love Theory collab with Wonstein was released which was a full SM backed production part of SM’s Station series. The entire project made use of all the social media platforms to promote it, particularly TikTok and it appears as though Taeyong’s TikTok account was a vehicle for him to promote Love Theory and make it go viral. I know this sounds cynical, but could it be that after seeing the ‘accidental’ viral success of Zoo after the SM Town concert, SM wanted another TikTok viral hit to go global? Perhaps, Ghost was scheduled to be released earlier in the year and was pushed back to make way for Love Theory, SM Station’s viral darling. This is simply speculative of course, but looking at the timing of these releases and Taeyong’s own words about things being ‘pushed back’ it is plausible.

Taeyong also mentioned about things that ‘didn’t work out’. What exactly could he be referring to? I suspect that after nearly a year on from starting his Instagram showcasing Celine, having modeled for three magazines with Celine gear all paid for by Celine, something was brewing between Taeyong and the fashion house. Taeyong even put Celine’s ‘Boy Doll’ campaign on his Instagram story actively promoting the brand. Celine’s first Paris runway show in a while was to be held on June 26 2022 however, this date clashed with NCT 127’s Osaka concert. Was Taeyong meant to be at that Paris show? We will never know. It’s entirely possible he was and SM went ahead and booked the Osaka concerts anyway. There are claims that these concerts were booked months/years in advance, however due to Covid, this is very unlikely. These concerts were snapped up and booked the minute it became apparent that they could finally do live concerts in Japan- the dates didn’t really matter; the shows mattered. The Singapore show on July 2 2022, was booked, announced and tickets released in a very short span of time, so to assume that the Japan concerts were somehow mapped out many months or even a year in advance is very presumptive. I think Taeyong was meant to be at that Celine show and that these may be the plans that ‘didn’t work out’.

“Of course I wanted to show myself just the way I am, but there are a lot of things I can’t tell you everything about. But the members and our team crew are helping me a lot with those parts. So because of these expectations and support, I will work hard to become a pillar for you and anyone else.”

What are these things he can’t tell us about? Things that are pertinent enough to have members and crew helping him with? Again, I can’t even begin to fathom what is going on behind the scenes over there but clearly, something had been brewing and eventually blew up. The constant stating of focusing on the now and enjoying the present moment, sounds like soothing self talk to detract from the pressure and angst of other thoughts pre-occupying him.

Taeyong’s birthday came and went, as he spent it flying to Singapore and rehearsing all night for the July 2 concert. He did find the time however, to give fans a traditional birthday live after the concert on the 2nd, just prior to them getting ready to depart for Korea on the same night- an exhausting feat.

This time Taeyong decided to finally discuss his tattoos- their meaning and the reasons why he got them. Taeyong seemed a little apprehensive and proceeded to apologise to fans;

“I want to say I’m sorry while talking about this”.

Clearly, he knew that the tattoo discussion would upset some fans, particularly because the reasons for his tattoos are quite unnerving - especially unnerving for those that like to see Taeyong as this omnipotent demi God, who is impervious to any of the vagaries of idol life, and is ‘supposed’ to play the role of the stable, kind, well adjusted, talented and on ‘call’ idol. This is something that Taeyong has clearly been struggling with for some time and gives light to his hiatuses being more than just about his physical injuries. Taeyong proceeded to share with his audience the meanings of his tattoos with the viewers by pointing to them and explaining them;

“The Rude Boy tattoo on my shoulder and the wires above it, here is a whale with a rose and a knife, there I have Atom, and here is a balloon dog. To examine the meaning one by one, first I should answer ‘Taeyong why did you get tattoos’? To be honest for me, when I have a lot of stress, or I think I’m going through a difficult time, I only got tattoos at those times- so I wanted to give it meaning to never forget those periods.”

“And I think every one of the tattoos has a matching song; there’s a song called Atom - it’s a song I really like, and for the whale there is Blue, and for here there is Blue too (pointing to his chest), there is also a song called Rose. I don’t have a song related to the sword or balloon dog yet. But for the sword, the reason why I got it was that in the past when I did Super M, this was the hardest time. When I was in the US for Super M, it felt stifling, suffocating, tiring, and frustrating…and because I had no confidence when I had to go on stage, Baekhyun said, ‘Go up and kill it’. That’s when for the first time, even if it wasn’t Baekhyun’s intention, I learned how to handle the knife in my heart. That I shouldn’t stay still all the time, and I should be on stage to perform while looking at you and shouldn’t give a miserable impression. That’s also why I got the sword I think.

“In the case of the Rude Boy I got this for my self confidence. Actually, to be honest, I have often regretted getting tattoos, but every time I see it, I get reminded of all those moments, and I gain more confidence. Even if it isn’t that much more, getting Rude Boy was for my confidence. So in the future too, I can lead the life of a musician, a performer. For Atom too - this is me actually. He represents me. Many people said to me, ‘You are a person one needs a manual for’- they said that to me so I had the nickname Atom. The reason why Atom is floating at this location is it’s a place where it seems like Ruby is watching out for me”.

“Because I’m still a person with flaws, I need to get someone’s help. I always have to be humble, and pay attention to what others are saying. Many people don’t like putting meaning to tattoos. But for me I don’t think I would’ve done it if they had no meaning. I’m engraving it into my heart too… so I can improve myself.”

What began as a birthday live ended as a type of confessional with Taeyong finally admitting to the very troublesome time he experienced in 2019 and 2020. Touring extensively, feeling his confidence shatter, and being pushed to his physical limits saw him end up on hiatus in June and December of 2020. However, Taeyong’s most recent large tattoos were not done until late 2021 - 2022 and were done in quite a speedy successive fashion. This points to him being stressed now. It is plainly obvious to a seeing eye that Taeyong is experiencing a profound amount of stress and frustration, most likely brought on by changing and maturing interests. Taeyong has had a taste of independence during his hiatus and Soundcloud era- and appeared to enjoy it and be happy. He poured so much of himself into his songs including Ghost, and even tattooed the memory to his body. Clearly his art, and this Soundcloud era meant a great deal to Taeyong. Perhaps singing other people’s lines, performing other people’s songs, and being monitored, watched, controlled and managed within an inch of his life is not something that satisfies him anymore. It is clear that life is weighing down on him quite heavily and perhaps this is a sign that he’s had enough - enough of the pressure, the control, the lack of freedom and independence. Perhaps he’s realised that he wants more for his life and career. No matter what is going on however, his loyal fans are standing by ready to support his moves no matter where he goes. Taeyong’s fans are loyal and have faith in his judgment.

Therefore, if I could send Taeyong a direct message it would be to:

Go wherever your heart and soul guide you. Your soul growth is all that matters - sometimes it may get lonely but you need to know it’s an important part of maturity. True joy and bliss comes from living and being your authentic self - so go out there and live it. Fully. With a full heart.

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